Tuesday, 4 November 2014

UTTERLY LOST

Normally any person, especially a girl who has some extremely questionable opinions about herself, would find it an unpleasantness to admit to any other  person, that she was lost. 
Lost where drama queen? 
well lost generally as to where she was and what she was doing. No, not literally. I know exactly where I am literally or geographically, maybe not even geographically really, But it's called home. Ah, home. 
When we envision home what we mostly think about is a warm, sunny interior. A place to fall back and relax and forget the complexities that feed on our minds 24/7. But most of the times, perhaps not for everyone but for many of us, home ends up becoming the mother of all those complexities. Now why does that happen? There are multiple reasons, but who wants to go into those eh. 
What I was talking about was the fact that I was lost in life, now I should clarify that I should not technically be lost, because I very clearly know that I have just started college, I have to work hard and become an architect. I have to strengthen my relationships with my friends, I have to perhaps build an image of myself. But I also want to become a famous artist, I want to have a huge social circle, I don't want to be responsible for anything I don't have to be responsible for. I want to be in a relationship, I want to do something meaningful at some point. So what the hell is going on right now? what am I doing right now? Am I doing anything to work my way towards those things or am I just passing the time trying to have the maximum amount of laughs, and sulking when I am not having any?
Sometimes we get so caught up in routine that we stop analyzing productively. We loose track of the image of life that we wanted to erect, we just do what makes us feel good or perhaps secure. So do we stop thinking? Evaluating? Oh and self doubt, or questioning why someone else did what they did to you does not count.
So am I just imagining things or have I really lost my line of thought? Have I lost control of my life because I am too busy trying to have a good time? Is that why I feel lost? Because my brain is trying desperately to read the jumbled up map of my thoughts? 
So yeah, I blame Hollywood for most of this self obsession mania. I blame Hollywood for a lot of things, perhaps even everything. 
So maybe I thought one day to myself, writing stuff down might help me get my intellect back. I am not one to waste time on a stupid diary which no one would ever read, so I decided to write a blog, which I would hopefully improve at, once I get my grey cells ironed out. 
Till then bear with my pointless, direction less writing. 
~Tooba. 

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